my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
