Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
