he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
