Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
