I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
