sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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