dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
