I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
