Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
