im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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