I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
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You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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