Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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