I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
