I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
