Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
