its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
