I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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