my phone needs a breathalizer
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
