Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
