the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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