just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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