I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
