take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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