I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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