My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize