I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
