I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
