I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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