I wish I could teleport
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
