I just pynch a tree in the face
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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