New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
NoShamevember. You game?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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