i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
