The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
