Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
