I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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