my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
