It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
