I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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