i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
