i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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