The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
