If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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