You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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