i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.