My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES