you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?