I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode