So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola