I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
