letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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