I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
