Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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