Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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