Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
