You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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