I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
