I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
