dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
