??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
