Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
