you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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