You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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