Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
