Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to calm my uterus...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
